The Eviction Of Buford

First off I have no clue why I named it Buford, guess it's because b for butt. Point being I had a pain in my ass literally. (I'm talking about a hemorrhoid for those of you who can't figure it out. lol) This is the same Buford I have dealt with since the birth of Mini-me 11 years ago. But it always went away with the preparation h. This time however, Buford mutated. By mutated I mean, it's like the darn thing was drinking miracle gro.
Within 3 days, it was huge. By huge I mean, picture if you will, half of your booty is taken up by this "thing." So I had an "aha" moment. I thought ok, get a different preparation h, and do the sitz baths. No relief at all. So Tuesday morning I decided I would take a picture of Buford with my cell phone, so I could see it. Then I had an even better idea, and decided I would then email this picture to my Mom down in Texas, being that I couldn't have her look at it, since we live 8 hours apart from eachother. Let me tell you that was one embarrassing conversation to have with my Mom. It went something like this:

Me: "Um Mom... I need your opinion on something... check your email.
Mom: "Ok, what is it"
Me: "Well I have a hemorrhoid & it's huge. I can't explain it so I took a pic."
Mom: *laughs*
Me: "So what should I do?"
Mom: "Go to a doctor."

I'm stubborn as heck being that Guitarzan's (my brother in law) fiance Kaligirl, told me before I talked to my Mom, to go to the hospital. So what do I do? I then call the hospital, and get their opinion. The hospital's reply: "You need to come in and be evaluated." ( I told y'all I was stubborn.) So there I sat in the garage, ok not really sitting, more like balancing on my left hip, sideways in the chair. Smoking a cigarette, and preparing myself for the most EMBARRASSING reason I have ever went to a hospital for. Yes, hush I know what you are thinking. "She's had kids, why should she be embarrassed about having her southern half looked at." That my friends is an easy answer. The hoo-hoo being looked at is one thing, having your pooper looked at is an entirely different story.
With my trusty, cell phone in hand, Kaligirl takes me to our ER. First off the waiting room was EMPTY. I totally had a "Dawn Of The Dead" moment, but was happy being that I wouldn't have to sit in the waiting room. Sitting at this point was a cruel joke indeed. Actually if someone would have said to me "Have a seat", I would have probably punched them in the face. Well ok not probably I would have. I filled out the sign in sheet, and told the receptionist that I had spoken to someone at the hospital, about Buford and they said to come in. In the span of a minute, I was in triage. Woohoo for speedy service. After being checked out, into a room I go. The nurse passes me one of those mandatory hospital gowns.

Nurse: "Ok put this on, & get in the bed."
Me: "Do I have to take everything off?"
Nurse: "Yes."
Me: "Even my bra?"
Nurse: "Yes, everything."
Me: "Okay but I'm not taking off my socks."

I then showed the nurse the picture of Buford on my cell phone and said:

"This is Buford, & I want Buford to leave. But Buford refuses to go bye-bye."

The nurse was cracking up laughing and said "You're definitely the best Er patient we've ever had." I said well the last time we were here, was due to the fact that our youngest son, put a bb in his ear. (He was also told he was the best er patient they had.) The nurse said "Oh yeah I was here that night, did the Ent get the bb out." I said yeppers.

Kaligirl kept me in good spirits. She had dealt with this before, & at that point the comedic relief she provided was appreciated. Then the world as I knew it forever changed. The dr. came in, looked at Buford and said two words that automatically pushed my anxiety over the edge. I heard "needle" & "cut." The doctor said that Buford was a thrombosed external hemorrhoid, and the reason why the preparation h was not helping. I then said "Well y'all better give me something for my nerves, because I'm about to crawl outta my skin." A short while later, the male nurse came in and gave me a medicine cup full of happy pills. One percocet & 3 ativan's. Within perhaps 30 minutes, I was higher than all the hippies at woodstock. I don't care, that needle going into the hemorrhoid with the lidacain, hurt like a mofo. I felt like my butt was on fire.
The ending to this ordeal is that Buford died. The clot was almost dime sized, which was why I was hurting so badly. My parting gifts were: a butt full of gauze, being lost somewhere between loopyville and fubared, & a prescription for percocet. I am healing well, but still hurt, the potty and I are not friends at the moment.

SWV aka Mama times 4